Drunken Texting Should Be Illegal.

Going out, drinking and mobile phones. Three things that really - should NEVER be mixed. Its lethal. I'm beginning to think that - like texting while driving - texting whilst drunk should be illegal with an on-the-spot fine if caught.

I am willing to put money on the majority of the people reading this having sent drunk text messages/made drunken phone calls/left drunken voicemail messages (arguably the WORST form of drunken tom-foolery). It's embarrassing. Plus who wants to wake up thinking,
"Shit I was drunk last night. Fuuuucking hell my head hurts...ohmigawd don't try and stand up that makes it worse...I need a gallon of water or I will die. I wonder if I could just stay in bed forever. Wow my purse/wallet is empty, AND I have credit card receipts. Fantastic...OH DEAR LORD I called [insert worst ex's/bosses/parents/friends/enemies name here] last night?? Fuck this for a laugh I'm definitely not going anywhere today or talking to anyone. Kill me."

It has happened to the best of us. If it has happened to you I think you will agree that it is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially if its just calls that you have made, you have seen they have lasted longer than a couple of minutes and you have NO idea if you were talking to them or their answering machine and regardless of which one you were talking to - what on EARTH were you saying?!

Friendships can be lost. Relationships suffer. Truths spilt. Lies told and fanciful feelings slurred. Its an embarrassment.

I was out last weekend down in the South of England for a friends birthday. All was good and well and I was having a great time. BUT. I didn't seem to think that a couple of Kopparbergs and three quarters of my 70cl of vodka before I left was enough, I had god knows what else in the club - needless to say, I don't remember much past getting out the taxi. All I know is that I woke up the next morning to a BBM message to one of my friends professing my feelings to them. Megafuckinghugecringe.

I laughed it off. He did too but oh dear lord lets just hope its not awkward next time I see him.

Why do we do it?!?! Surely there is some part of our brain telling our drunken selves that this is what we want to do. It's almost like we become possessed by some horrible, evil being who wants us to be ridiculed in our sober lives. Fuck off!! Not necessary.

The worst part is the drunken "I looovee yoooooooou SO much" answer machine messages. Ever left one of those? Or left a message about how drunk you are? And then had your friend play it back to you whilst holding back tears of laughter the next day. Oh hoho, yes very funny now please delete that. Oh. No. You're playing it again. Wonderful.

Its an unnecessary evil. But fear not I have figured out a few ways of tackling this crisis:
1) Don't bring your phone out with you. Simples. (Sometimes not practical though if you need to keep in touch with someone)
2) Clubs should have a cloakroom and a phoneroom. Yes. A place where, when you get into the club you can check your phone into and leave it for the duration of your stay, picking it up as you leave OR if you're too drunk - the next day.
3) Have two phones. Have your day-to-day fancy phone, Blackberry, iPhone etc and then a cheapy one for evenings. On this cheapy phone you will just have essential numbers programmed in, taxis, and the numbers of the friends you are out with that night. This will solve two problems -  drunken messaging AND if you lose it, who cares, its cheap.
4) The best possible solution to this problem -
A phone that knows when you are too drunk to operate it and just shuts down. It would be ingenious and I would definitely want one. Now I'm not talking about it stopping working once you are above the drink-drive limit as that's only a few drinks. I mean that this phone would somehow be able to sense that you are totally out for the count and really, with the level of alcohol in your system, should be hospitalised. As such it would only be able to make 999 calls and let you operate Angry Birds and Doodle Jump.

I know that this is far-fetched but they are apparently making cars that won't start if you are above the safety limit so it could be possible. Plus 10 years ago we wouldn't have known we could have phones that do what most of our phones do now.

Ultimately all that I'm putting forward is this:
Drunken texting. There should REALLY be an app for that.