Cyber Sexy Time

Since the swinging 60s, sex has evolved leaps and bounds. For generations, sex was a topic of taboo and outrage. For years the flash of the female knee in public was often seen as grotesquely inappropriate and cleavage simply didn't exist, apart from the in dirty back lanes of bigger cities.

What a change there has been since then. In 50 years the face of sex across the world has completely changed. No longer is Bettie Page or Playboy Magazine the centre focus of an uproar about sexual decency. Whether we like it or not, it is undeniable that sex is everywhere.

Photographs of half naked male and female models, singers, sports people, movie stars, or just any regular person can be seen in magazines, television, books, sides of buses, adverts on the Underground, in music videos, the list goes on. This has all becoming more and more common since the late 1950s. Something that is - relatively speaking - very new on the scene is, cyber sex.

Sex through the aid of technology has become possible to the masses really in just the past 10-15 years. Now I'm not talking about watching porn and what people do whilst watching it. Porn has been around for years. And I mean, YEARS. Paintings on pots, and drawings on cave walls depicting all kinds of sexual fantasies or stories are thousands of years old. However actually climaxing (or trying to) with a partner through the aid of technology is a whole other ball game.

E-mails and text messages were the first way this came into play. Unlike the old-fashioned love letters that were really received far too far apart to be able to be much use for us sexually, e-mails and text messaging offered an alternative to this.

Then shortly after came the camera phone and with it, "sexting" quickly became common place for most of us. Apparently 70% of people aged 18-25 have admitted to taking part in it in some form or another, from a raunchy text or a naughty photograph. Then with webcams and internet etcetcetcetc...it almost became unavoidable.

In some situations I would say that cybersex is saving relationships. If your partner has to spend a lot of time away from home for work, or it's a long distance situation, or maybe even if your partner is in the forces - it provides some way for you to keep the most intimate parts of your relationship going in this absence.

However it is also ruining relationships. My concern is that people who are sending images to other who they can't fully trust. Once you have sent a picture - it's out there. You have to be able to trust that they aren't going to send it on *cough*AshleyCole*cough*. If you decide to film yourself, be doubly careful that this doesn't leak as I have read that it can be near impossible to have it taken down if it has been uploaded to the internet. I checked and there is a whole porn website devoted to ex-girlfriend sex tapes. So please be careful. Much as I love all of my friends, I don't really wanna be seeing any of you like that.

Gay, Straight, Bi, Trans, Asexual, Monogamy, Polygamy...Come Again?!

People are obsessed!!

Okay, so I have to admit. To write this blog I probably do read an above average amount of magazine/newspaper articles, watch t.v., and talk to friends about sex and relationships. But STILL. It seems that recently everyone is getting very into all this labelling stuff.

I'm not one to shy away from this topic of conversation but fucking hell!! I never knew there were so many options! Even I'm left feeling ever so slightly confused.

This BBC sex season that is in full swing right now has my head swimming. In case you have missed them - or haven't had access to them here's a brief fill-in for you. Turns out there are some mental placenta munching, home-schooling, risk-taking, over-working, nappy-free, obsessive baby-making mothers out there. Who produce kids that could grow up wanting to be the gender that they aren't, or maybe get with the sex that they are, whilst also simultaneously getting with the sex they aren't in a polyamorous, bisexual, sex-exploring, webcam using, promiscuous "she's not my girlfriend", non-relationship, relationship. Got it? Good.

 

On top of all of this, shows like The Sex Education Show and How Sex Works seem to utter the word chlamydia, every 10 minutes or so. We get it. The pill is good, but condoms are better.

Anyone else feel like after all these shows they had a serious case of mind-fuck? What happened to the good old days when people just dated and you had to figure out sex with a biology textbook? I feel like I, of all people, am becoming less and less liberal with each of these shows that I watch. Mainly out of sheer  bafflement than anything else.

People can now be born one gender and decide that, naaaah, you know what? I don't want to be a boy, lets change my penis into a vagina. Done. (Maybe a SLIGHTLY dumbed down version of the truth - it's done for dramatic effect.)

There is now even a reality game show like The Bachelorette (is that what it was called?!), called Playing It Straight, but the woman has the thankless task of having to choose between a bunch of gay and straight men to date. I've seen so many transsexual men, and "men's men" gay guys in the past couple of weeks that I feel I will need to do a frisk test and psycho-analysis next time I meet a 'guy' in a club. Just to be sure of course...

But why do we even care? Okay. So it makes great t.v. But all this labelling? I don't even really care WHAT someone is, or isn't...or might be. I'm even confusing myself now.

I now know things that I didn't even know there was to know. But the information is a total overload. Par exemple, did you know a gay guy can apparently be either a "top", "bottom" or "versatile" (figure it out). Now there's a gem that - depending on your sexual preference - you may not have wanted to know. A gift from me to you.

The weird/worrying thing is, that instead of coming away from it thinking, "condoms are amazing" (the message I'm sure most of these shows are trying to promote). I find myself thinking things like, "I wonder if I could make myself gay". "What would happen if I suggested to the guy I'm seeing that we pop another girl in the bed?" "I wonder what I'd look like if I turned into a man." These thoughts last for a few minutes before I come back into reality and realise, I don't want these things - it's just the t.v. doing the thinking.

Asides from the good t.v. aspect though why is it there? Is it for us to ponder our own sexual orientation at 9pm every night? Is it for us to think "oooh, there's an app to find other horny, single people in the area *click download*"? Or is it just for us to become more aware of what our options are? Maybe people who have a feeling they aren't "normal", will figure out from watching these shows, what - of the many, many categories - it is that they fall into. (If they do, there are so many categories I'm beginning to think no one 'falls' into any of them.) I can only assume that it's the latter. Either that or the producer of BBCThree is just on overdrive right now.

This media outlet is good in the sense of raising awareness about all these types of ways of living your sex life - making you feel that there is no "correct" way. This - I like. It's very refreshing.

That said. It's been an overload recently. (ESPECIALLY the up close and personal pictures of genital warts - there is a time and a place and neither of these is on my t.v. screen, thanks.) Also, maybe if they could make the programmes once a week rather than once a day...just a suggestion.

As liberating and refreshing it is, much more of this gender/sexual orientation, crazy sex life chat and I feel I may become dazed and confused with my many options. I will have no choice but to hold the BBC personally responsible for my arrest at some top-secret, rave-esque, sex orgy party in the undergrounds of London, wondering - in a state of utter bewilderment and euphoria - how the hell I got there.

[caption id="attachment_213" align="aligncenter" width="195" caption="A swimming cap and egg timer clearly does it for some people. Each to their own."][/caption]

For those of you who missed any of the shows recently here's the one's I can recall:
Playing it Straight
How Sex Works
Cherry Healey: Like a Virgin
Websex: Whats the Harm?
The Sex Researchers
The Sex Education Show
The Joy of Teen Sex
My Daughter: The Teenage Nudist
My Transexual Summer...etcetc
And they say Britain is the most sexualised Western country. Can't possibly see why...

Is Facebook Ruining Relationships?

With the number of us using online social networking sites rising there have been debates as to whether or not sites such as Twitter, Facebook and MySpace are, in fact hindering relationships rather than helping them. Now I'm not going to go all statistical on you, nor am I going to delve too deeply into whether or not sites like this are good for our social skills. I am however going to put this question to you: Do you think that Facebook and Twitter are putting strain on romantic relationships?

There are a few reasons as to why I feel that the answer could be, yes...

If I meet a guy, and we decide to go on a date, or are even just texting, I will usually look to see if he has a Facebook, or ask him if he does. If his page is private, that's fair game (but annoying), and I will drop it. If however if you can see stuff on it you tend to take a quick look around. Instantly you can see if you have friends in common, what he does, if he's been at Uni, if he's gone travelling etcetcetc the list goes on.

Now. I know that I am certainly not alone in this. I know that my friends often do the same, whether it be with a guy, new work colleague or whatever. This is commonly referred to as; "having a Facebook perv". We all do it - let's be honest.

The amount of times however that I have met a guy whilst out, texted a bit, seen his Facebook and then changed my mind about them completely...I fail to count. Maybe I'm too judgemental, or "too picky" like my sister would say, but I often write off perfectly decent guys based on their Facebook. Half the time I probably couldn't even tell you why.

That is obviously ruining a relationship that is yet to even happen. But what about people who are in one, what's Facebook doing to them? I know from personal experience, gossip with friends, stories about friends' of a friend and reading magazines that a lot of shit can go down in relationships when Facebook gets involved. Reading your other half's texts is one thing, but if, somehow, you get access to their Facebook account. Fucking hell. WHOLE other kettle of fish.

Instead of now just being able to see text conversations, or phone calls received, you have a backstage access all areas pass to the social communication that they are having. Even if they aren't an avid Facebooker you can see EVERYTHING. Especially now with this whole timeline business. A couple of clicks and you can go back to that year your current boy/girlfriend was with their ex. I think Zuckerburg should have considered this before creating such a wonderful stalking tool (but then again, there is a pretty high chance he has had minimal contact with the opposite sex).

For example, did you know, if you go into your inbox and click on any conversation with a friend and just start scrolling upwards, you can see every conversation you have had with them. Yes. EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. And not just since Facebook started saving your conversations into your inbox, nono. From the very beginning. I did it the other day and I can still see conversations I was having with my friends at school in 2007. Weird.

Put this into relationship context. If your current boy/girlfriend knows your Facebook password they can see all conversations you have ever had with any of your ex's. Ever. If you are re-using the same romantic dribble you used on your ex, sending them the same songs that remind you of them etc, they will find out. Scary.

The amount of times a current partner must have looked at their other halfs Facebook and seen something they don't like is, I would imagine, a shit load. The amount of conversations I have had with friends trying to reassure them that "it's probably not what it looks like" is, again, a shit load. The amount of times that I have known couples to break up, whether it be permanently or temporarily, or have a HUGE argument because of the content of conversations, pictures, friends they have on Facebook is sufficiently more than - a shit load.

So why do we do it? When we know that rarely, anything good is going to come of it. Back it the good ol' days of yesteryear, (well actually even just 10 years ago) we simply didn't have these types of problems. Whether or not being friends with an ex on Facebook or Twitter was okay or not was simply not an issue. Phones then could only store about 10 text messages at a time, so that too - not an issue.

Why can't we just leave it alone? Let it play out, without the obsessive compulsive checking of Facebook and Twitter pages to check to see if a prospective date is 'normal' or if our partner has deleted their ex off of their friends list yet. It's killing the romance. I'm guilty of "Facebook perving" too but one of my New Year's resolutions is quite simply - not to be. I vow, next time I meet someone, despite the huge urge that I'm sure there will be, Thou Shalt Not Facebook Search A Prospective Date. Promise...

Fun = Fucking

First off - Happy New Years everyone! Hope that you had a good one, for the first time I actually had a very good night which was nice.

Anyway. Task at hand - sex.

This blog starts again with a series of texts I received (this should serve as a warning to all guys, if you text or BBM me some piggish crap, expect to see it here). They were from a friend who I keep meaning to meet for drinks but one or other of us keeps cancelling. Also note worthy - we have never slept together, kissed or had any romantic involvement. So here's the text conversation that sparked rage:

Him: When I'm back in Glasgow you wanna get that drink finally? X
Me: Okay x
Him: Ye have some drinks n some fun :P I'll text you when I'm back x x
[Note the no reply]
Him: That's if your up for some fun x x
Me: By that do you just mean sex?
Him: Not definite no. Just kissing n other stuff n maybe lead to that if it works out like that. No pressure xx
[Note. No reply.]
Him: Is that alright? X
Me: Well I don't really know what you mean
Him: So you don't fancy any fun then x
Me: I do but why do guys think "fun" has to constitute as sex things
Him: Haha don't worry won't be any pressure to do stuff just a possibility x
[Again, no reply from me]
Him: Anyway I'll let you know when I'm back x x

Sorry - that was longer typed out than I thought it would be. Anyway. What the actual fuck.

First off, "just a possibility". Oh I'M sorry, have I given you some sort of impression from NEVER HAVING KISSED YOU BEFORE, that that's what I'm after from you?!

Secondly. "Haha don't worry". I'm not fucking worried mate. I'm not some all holy, virtuous Mother Teresa. I HAVE had sex before. The thought of sex doesn't worry me. The thought of however some guy who I've barely had any connection with, let alone a romantic one thinking that he can just shove the idea of sex on the table and that be okay - THAT scares me.

And lastly, "so you don't fancy any fun then?" Are you serious?! Fuck RIGHT off love. Yes. Believe it or not, like most people, I like to have fun. I like seeing my friends, I like going out, I like doing things that I enjoy. But oh yeah, you're right. Cos I don't wanna get naked in front of you I CLEARLY don't "fancy" any fun.

It's like I was saying in an earlier blog - to guys, women seem to either only be able to be whores or prudes with absolutely no in-between. This situation adds fuel to this fire. This guy is obviously trying to make out like I am no fun and therefore make me feel I have to prove myself to him. And what better way to do this than to have some lighthearted, no strings attached, sex with him?! How IDEAL !!

Just because a girl doesn't want to have sex with you after some flirty text messages or chat at a bar, doesn't make her boring. Revolutionary I realise. Calling her no fun, a prude or boring is really not going to help you either. You lost. Move on. Stop being a sore loser.

I really hope that he reads this and if you are - I will have you know that I am great fun. And you know what, nine times out of ten when I AM having fun - I am fully clothed...Dick'ed.

Drunken Texting Should Be Illegal.

Going out, drinking and mobile phones. Three things that really - should NEVER be mixed. Its lethal. I'm beginning to think that - like texting while driving - texting whilst drunk should be illegal with an on-the-spot fine if caught.

I am willing to put money on the majority of the people reading this having sent drunk text messages/made drunken phone calls/left drunken voicemail messages (arguably the WORST form of drunken tom-foolery). It's embarrassing. Plus who wants to wake up thinking,
"Shit I was drunk last night. Fuuuucking hell my head hurts...ohmigawd don't try and stand up that makes it worse...I need a gallon of water or I will die. I wonder if I could just stay in bed forever. Wow my purse/wallet is empty, AND I have credit card receipts. Fantastic...OH DEAR LORD I called [insert worst ex's/bosses/parents/friends/enemies name here] last night?? Fuck this for a laugh I'm definitely not going anywhere today or talking to anyone. Kill me."

It has happened to the best of us. If it has happened to you I think you will agree that it is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially if its just calls that you have made, you have seen they have lasted longer than a couple of minutes and you have NO idea if you were talking to them or their answering machine and regardless of which one you were talking to - what on EARTH were you saying?!

Friendships can be lost. Relationships suffer. Truths spilt. Lies told and fanciful feelings slurred. Its an embarrassment.

I was out last weekend down in the South of England for a friends birthday. All was good and well and I was having a great time. BUT. I didn't seem to think that a couple of Kopparbergs and three quarters of my 70cl of vodka before I left was enough, I had god knows what else in the club - needless to say, I don't remember much past getting out the taxi. All I know is that I woke up the next morning to a BBM message to one of my friends professing my feelings to them. Megafuckinghugecringe.

I laughed it off. He did too but oh dear lord lets just hope its not awkward next time I see him.

Why do we do it?!?! Surely there is some part of our brain telling our drunken selves that this is what we want to do. It's almost like we become possessed by some horrible, evil being who wants us to be ridiculed in our sober lives. Fuck off!! Not necessary.

The worst part is the drunken "I looovee yoooooooou SO much" answer machine messages. Ever left one of those? Or left a message about how drunk you are? And then had your friend play it back to you whilst holding back tears of laughter the next day. Oh hoho, yes very funny now please delete that. Oh. No. You're playing it again. Wonderful.

Its an unnecessary evil. But fear not I have figured out a few ways of tackling this crisis:
1) Don't bring your phone out with you. Simples. (Sometimes not practical though if you need to keep in touch with someone)
2) Clubs should have a cloakroom and a phoneroom. Yes. A place where, when you get into the club you can check your phone into and leave it for the duration of your stay, picking it up as you leave OR if you're too drunk - the next day.
3) Have two phones. Have your day-to-day fancy phone, Blackberry, iPhone etc and then a cheapy one for evenings. On this cheapy phone you will just have essential numbers programmed in, taxis, and the numbers of the friends you are out with that night. This will solve two problems -  drunken messaging AND if you lose it, who cares, its cheap.
4) The best possible solution to this problem -
A phone that knows when you are too drunk to operate it and just shuts down. It would be ingenious and I would definitely want one. Now I'm not talking about it stopping working once you are above the drink-drive limit as that's only a few drinks. I mean that this phone would somehow be able to sense that you are totally out for the count and really, with the level of alcohol in your system, should be hospitalised. As such it would only be able to make 999 calls and let you operate Angry Birds and Doodle Jump.

I know that this is far-fetched but they are apparently making cars that won't start if you are above the safety limit so it could be possible. Plus 10 years ago we wouldn't have known we could have phones that do what most of our phones do now.

Ultimately all that I'm putting forward is this:
Drunken texting. There should REALLY be an app for that.