Cyber Sexy Time

Since the swinging 60s, sex has evolved leaps and bounds. For generations, sex was a topic of taboo and outrage. For years the flash of the female knee in public was often seen as grotesquely inappropriate and cleavage simply didn't exist, apart from the in dirty back lanes of bigger cities.

What a change there has been since then. In 50 years the face of sex across the world has completely changed. No longer is Bettie Page or Playboy Magazine the centre focus of an uproar about sexual decency. Whether we like it or not, it is undeniable that sex is everywhere.

Photographs of half naked male and female models, singers, sports people, movie stars, or just any regular person can be seen in magazines, television, books, sides of buses, adverts on the Underground, in music videos, the list goes on. This has all becoming more and more common since the late 1950s. Something that is - relatively speaking - very new on the scene is, cyber sex.

Sex through the aid of technology has become possible to the masses really in just the past 10-15 years. Now I'm not talking about watching porn and what people do whilst watching it. Porn has been around for years. And I mean, YEARS. Paintings on pots, and drawings on cave walls depicting all kinds of sexual fantasies or stories are thousands of years old. However actually climaxing (or trying to) with a partner through the aid of technology is a whole other ball game.

E-mails and text messages were the first way this came into play. Unlike the old-fashioned love letters that were really received far too far apart to be able to be much use for us sexually, e-mails and text messaging offered an alternative to this.

Then shortly after came the camera phone and with it, "sexting" quickly became common place for most of us. Apparently 70% of people aged 18-25 have admitted to taking part in it in some form or another, from a raunchy text or a naughty photograph. Then with webcams and internet etcetcetcetc...it almost became unavoidable.

In some situations I would say that cybersex is saving relationships. If your partner has to spend a lot of time away from home for work, or it's a long distance situation, or maybe even if your partner is in the forces - it provides some way for you to keep the most intimate parts of your relationship going in this absence.

However it is also ruining relationships. My concern is that people who are sending images to other who they can't fully trust. Once you have sent a picture - it's out there. You have to be able to trust that they aren't going to send it on *cough*AshleyCole*cough*. If you decide to film yourself, be doubly careful that this doesn't leak as I have read that it can be near impossible to have it taken down if it has been uploaded to the internet. I checked and there is a whole porn website devoted to ex-girlfriend sex tapes. So please be careful. Much as I love all of my friends, I don't really wanna be seeing any of you like that.

Fun = Fucking

First off - Happy New Years everyone! Hope that you had a good one, for the first time I actually had a very good night which was nice.

Anyway. Task at hand - sex.

This blog starts again with a series of texts I received (this should serve as a warning to all guys, if you text or BBM me some piggish crap, expect to see it here). They were from a friend who I keep meaning to meet for drinks but one or other of us keeps cancelling. Also note worthy - we have never slept together, kissed or had any romantic involvement. So here's the text conversation that sparked rage:

Him: When I'm back in Glasgow you wanna get that drink finally? X
Me: Okay x
Him: Ye have some drinks n some fun :P I'll text you when I'm back x x
[Note the no reply]
Him: That's if your up for some fun x x
Me: By that do you just mean sex?
Him: Not definite no. Just kissing n other stuff n maybe lead to that if it works out like that. No pressure xx
[Note. No reply.]
Him: Is that alright? X
Me: Well I don't really know what you mean
Him: So you don't fancy any fun then x
Me: I do but why do guys think "fun" has to constitute as sex things
Him: Haha don't worry won't be any pressure to do stuff just a possibility x
[Again, no reply from me]
Him: Anyway I'll let you know when I'm back x x

Sorry - that was longer typed out than I thought it would be. Anyway. What the actual fuck.

First off, "just a possibility". Oh I'M sorry, have I given you some sort of impression from NEVER HAVING KISSED YOU BEFORE, that that's what I'm after from you?!

Secondly. "Haha don't worry". I'm not fucking worried mate. I'm not some all holy, virtuous Mother Teresa. I HAVE had sex before. The thought of sex doesn't worry me. The thought of however some guy who I've barely had any connection with, let alone a romantic one thinking that he can just shove the idea of sex on the table and that be okay - THAT scares me.

And lastly, "so you don't fancy any fun then?" Are you serious?! Fuck RIGHT off love. Yes. Believe it or not, like most people, I like to have fun. I like seeing my friends, I like going out, I like doing things that I enjoy. But oh yeah, you're right. Cos I don't wanna get naked in front of you I CLEARLY don't "fancy" any fun.

It's like I was saying in an earlier blog - to guys, women seem to either only be able to be whores or prudes with absolutely no in-between. This situation adds fuel to this fire. This guy is obviously trying to make out like I am no fun and therefore make me feel I have to prove myself to him. And what better way to do this than to have some lighthearted, no strings attached, sex with him?! How IDEAL !!

Just because a girl doesn't want to have sex with you after some flirty text messages or chat at a bar, doesn't make her boring. Revolutionary I realise. Calling her no fun, a prude or boring is really not going to help you either. You lost. Move on. Stop being a sore loser.

I really hope that he reads this and if you are - I will have you know that I am great fun. And you know what, nine times out of ten when I AM having fun - I am fully clothed...Dick'ed.

Drunken Texting Should Be Illegal.

Going out, drinking and mobile phones. Three things that really - should NEVER be mixed. Its lethal. I'm beginning to think that - like texting while driving - texting whilst drunk should be illegal with an on-the-spot fine if caught.

I am willing to put money on the majority of the people reading this having sent drunk text messages/made drunken phone calls/left drunken voicemail messages (arguably the WORST form of drunken tom-foolery). It's embarrassing. Plus who wants to wake up thinking,
"Shit I was drunk last night. Fuuuucking hell my head hurts...ohmigawd don't try and stand up that makes it worse...I need a gallon of water or I will die. I wonder if I could just stay in bed forever. Wow my purse/wallet is empty, AND I have credit card receipts. Fantastic...OH DEAR LORD I called [insert worst ex's/bosses/parents/friends/enemies name here] last night?? Fuck this for a laugh I'm definitely not going anywhere today or talking to anyone. Kill me."

It has happened to the best of us. If it has happened to you I think you will agree that it is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially if its just calls that you have made, you have seen they have lasted longer than a couple of minutes and you have NO idea if you were talking to them or their answering machine and regardless of which one you were talking to - what on EARTH were you saying?!

Friendships can be lost. Relationships suffer. Truths spilt. Lies told and fanciful feelings slurred. Its an embarrassment.

I was out last weekend down in the South of England for a friends birthday. All was good and well and I was having a great time. BUT. I didn't seem to think that a couple of Kopparbergs and three quarters of my 70cl of vodka before I left was enough, I had god knows what else in the club - needless to say, I don't remember much past getting out the taxi. All I know is that I woke up the next morning to a BBM message to one of my friends professing my feelings to them. Megafuckinghugecringe.

I laughed it off. He did too but oh dear lord lets just hope its not awkward next time I see him.

Why do we do it?!?! Surely there is some part of our brain telling our drunken selves that this is what we want to do. It's almost like we become possessed by some horrible, evil being who wants us to be ridiculed in our sober lives. Fuck off!! Not necessary.

The worst part is the drunken "I looovee yoooooooou SO much" answer machine messages. Ever left one of those? Or left a message about how drunk you are? And then had your friend play it back to you whilst holding back tears of laughter the next day. Oh hoho, yes very funny now please delete that. Oh. No. You're playing it again. Wonderful.

Its an unnecessary evil. But fear not I have figured out a few ways of tackling this crisis:
1) Don't bring your phone out with you. Simples. (Sometimes not practical though if you need to keep in touch with someone)
2) Clubs should have a cloakroom and a phoneroom. Yes. A place where, when you get into the club you can check your phone into and leave it for the duration of your stay, picking it up as you leave OR if you're too drunk - the next day.
3) Have two phones. Have your day-to-day fancy phone, Blackberry, iPhone etc and then a cheapy one for evenings. On this cheapy phone you will just have essential numbers programmed in, taxis, and the numbers of the friends you are out with that night. This will solve two problems -  drunken messaging AND if you lose it, who cares, its cheap.
4) The best possible solution to this problem -
A phone that knows when you are too drunk to operate it and just shuts down. It would be ingenious and I would definitely want one. Now I'm not talking about it stopping working once you are above the drink-drive limit as that's only a few drinks. I mean that this phone would somehow be able to sense that you are totally out for the count and really, with the level of alcohol in your system, should be hospitalised. As such it would only be able to make 999 calls and let you operate Angry Birds and Doodle Jump.

I know that this is far-fetched but they are apparently making cars that won't start if you are above the safety limit so it could be possible. Plus 10 years ago we wouldn't have known we could have phones that do what most of our phones do now.

Ultimately all that I'm putting forward is this:
Drunken texting. There should REALLY be an app for that.