A Simple(wo)man's Guide to Dating

So I have been on a lot of dates in the past few months and some of them have certainly been better than others. Not just because of the chosen activity, but a lot of it has been down to the company and their chat...or lack there of.

SOME of these dates have been literally unbearable. One I literally just left. Terrible - I know but I'd never been in a situation before or since when I had wholeheartedly wanted the floor to suck me up.

At the time some of this was, yes, INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. But I can laugh about it now. I can even blog about it. I thought it would be fun - and beneficial to both sexes - for me to write down what I would consider to be the serious do's and don'ts of those first few dates that you initially go on in the "getting to know you" - stage.

Please feel free to let me know of any you would consider to be equally as crucial.

WGAJSMB's Basic Guide to Dating

Don't1. Get a text from your date saying she's going to be 15min late and reply saying, "don't worry, take your time" but THEN, be such a moody bastard that 5minutes later you send an angry text declaring that "you were taking your fucking time so I went home"...to Helensburgh, having just driven for 45mins to get to the date in the first place. THEN send a text saying, "it wasn't your fault, you are amazing, I was just in a bad mood". It will make your date assume you are bi-polar/slightly mental/you will be incredibly lucky if you hear from her again.

2. Take her to a bar that you know to be one of the busiest and loudest bars in the city centre only to speak so quietly that after 20minutes of strained conversation she's so sick of having to lip-read that she suggests going to the cinema.

3. Lie about your age. Okay I know that some people whilst on a night out may lie about their age. I know certainly that when I was 16/17 I said I was 18. If you are 35 and say you are 30 in a club, this is kind of acceptable if you have no plans on seeing that person again. However, don't continue this lie on into the 2nd date when your date asks a question that clearly reveals your age. She will then realise you are closer to her mums age than hers. Que swift exit.

4. Spend the whole night being a moody prick. You don't have to have a smile plastered across your face the whole time but don't spend the entire time criticising the food and the drinks and the restaurant. At least crack a smile or show some sort of sign that you have a soul when I point on the Des from Capital FM is sitting at the table next to us.

5. Chat up/check out other women on the date. This hasn't actually ever happened to me. But I have had a friend where the guy seemed to find it fully acceptable to chat up just about anyone who walked past. She ended up leaving.

6. Get too serious on date one. Your birthday is in a few weeks? You are visiting extended family up north for it? That's cool. Oh, now you're inviting me to come with you too? Your grans going to be there? Oh, you've told her about me?...I think I just saw a cab with its light on.

7. Disagree with EVERYTHING I say. I know that opposites attract and all that. And an intellectual debate on a date is good in my books, shows not only that you are intelligent but that you also have opinions. Fine. Getting to the point where you are even disputing my choice in cocktail. Not fine. Just annoying. There is a fine line between opinionated and just being a dickhead. And you just crossed it.

8. Wear the same clothes every single time. A while back I dated a guy a couple times, think we went out 3 or 4 times? Anyway. He apparently had a wardrobe that consisted entirely of Canterbury jogging bottoms and a Snoopy top. Not saying you need to come in your Sunday best to a date, the jogging bottoms were even fine the first time as it was a chilled out date. But four times in a row, no matter the activity? That's just a huge lack of effort.

9. Use the words, "babe, "hun", "misses" etc. These are terms of endearment that are fine to use once you are with someone, or even on occasion in the first couple dates. Using them as every third word however, will not suffice. For one, it makes you sound ever so simple. It also makes me wonder if you can actually remember my name. And I'm all for casual dating but also makes me think how many other "hun"'s you have kicking about.

10. Disappear. Again, this happened to a friend of mine. They went out for drinks and got on well. He was going out that night so invited her. She said she'd need to nip home to change her shoes and grab a different bag etc. He drove her home. She went in and changed. She came out. He had gone. Whata weirdo.

11. Sometimes it really is better if you say nothing at all. It's okay if you go on a date and there's not that "click" that everyone would like. Your date may be attractive, intelligent, funny but for whatever reason you aren't feeling it. Be pleasant, but don't say things you don't mean. If you are thinking that, lovely as your date is - you don't want to see them again. That's fine. What's not fine is to shower them in compliments and talk about what you are going to do in future dates etc. I believe it's called, false hope. And really its just mean and confusing.

And, finally, just for good measure.

12. Wrong name me. It's happened. This happened to me when I was with an ex when I was 17. The same day that he asked me out we went for drinks with people we worked with, he got slightly tipsy and called me Christina. When I said, that's not my name his response? "Well I don't know how to pronounce it". I should have seen what was coming really...

Do (a lot more simple and less of them):

1. Compliment your date. Compliments go a long way and let's be honest, further down the road they may benefit you too. If you get my jist...

2. Be original. If she says, "you pick the place", this does not constitute as a "let's go to Nando's". You have been warned.

3. Listen AND talk. I have been on dates that have been on both sides of this extreme. One guy who seemed to think that everything he said was pure gold. I left knowing about every tiny detail of his life, whereas he probably couldn't even tell you where I was studying. On the other hand I've had others who ask so many questions but then give you the shortest answers when you ask them something.

4. Avoid the topic of ex's. Do this at least for the first date, to be honest, try to hold of for as long as possible is probably your best bet. Operate a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

5. If you are interested, show you are interested! But then, in relation to what i said before - don't freak her out with it. We don't expect an engagement ring on date one.

Some of these may seem very basic indeed but I think you would be very surprised.

All it really comes down to is two people trying to be as close is humanly possible to being civil, polite, honest, interesting and fun for a couple hours of their lives. A lot harder than it may seem apparently.

Gay, Straight, Bi, Trans, Asexual, Monogamy, Polygamy...Come Again?!

People are obsessed!!

Okay, so I have to admit. To write this blog I probably do read an above average amount of magazine/newspaper articles, watch t.v., and talk to friends about sex and relationships. But STILL. It seems that recently everyone is getting very into all this labelling stuff.

I'm not one to shy away from this topic of conversation but fucking hell!! I never knew there were so many options! Even I'm left feeling ever so slightly confused.

This BBC sex season that is in full swing right now has my head swimming. In case you have missed them - or haven't had access to them here's a brief fill-in for you. Turns out there are some mental placenta munching, home-schooling, risk-taking, over-working, nappy-free, obsessive baby-making mothers out there. Who produce kids that could grow up wanting to be the gender that they aren't, or maybe get with the sex that they are, whilst also simultaneously getting with the sex they aren't in a polyamorous, bisexual, sex-exploring, webcam using, promiscuous "she's not my girlfriend", non-relationship, relationship. Got it? Good.

 

On top of all of this, shows like The Sex Education Show and How Sex Works seem to utter the word chlamydia, every 10 minutes or so. We get it. The pill is good, but condoms are better.

Anyone else feel like after all these shows they had a serious case of mind-fuck? What happened to the good old days when people just dated and you had to figure out sex with a biology textbook? I feel like I, of all people, am becoming less and less liberal with each of these shows that I watch. Mainly out of sheer  bafflement than anything else.

People can now be born one gender and decide that, naaaah, you know what? I don't want to be a boy, lets change my penis into a vagina. Done. (Maybe a SLIGHTLY dumbed down version of the truth - it's done for dramatic effect.)

There is now even a reality game show like The Bachelorette (is that what it was called?!), called Playing It Straight, but the woman has the thankless task of having to choose between a bunch of gay and straight men to date. I've seen so many transsexual men, and "men's men" gay guys in the past couple of weeks that I feel I will need to do a frisk test and psycho-analysis next time I meet a 'guy' in a club. Just to be sure of course...

But why do we even care? Okay. So it makes great t.v. But all this labelling? I don't even really care WHAT someone is, or isn't...or might be. I'm even confusing myself now.

I now know things that I didn't even know there was to know. But the information is a total overload. Par exemple, did you know a gay guy can apparently be either a "top", "bottom" or "versatile" (figure it out). Now there's a gem that - depending on your sexual preference - you may not have wanted to know. A gift from me to you.

The weird/worrying thing is, that instead of coming away from it thinking, "condoms are amazing" (the message I'm sure most of these shows are trying to promote). I find myself thinking things like, "I wonder if I could make myself gay". "What would happen if I suggested to the guy I'm seeing that we pop another girl in the bed?" "I wonder what I'd look like if I turned into a man." These thoughts last for a few minutes before I come back into reality and realise, I don't want these things - it's just the t.v. doing the thinking.

Asides from the good t.v. aspect though why is it there? Is it for us to ponder our own sexual orientation at 9pm every night? Is it for us to think "oooh, there's an app to find other horny, single people in the area *click download*"? Or is it just for us to become more aware of what our options are? Maybe people who have a feeling they aren't "normal", will figure out from watching these shows, what - of the many, many categories - it is that they fall into. (If they do, there are so many categories I'm beginning to think no one 'falls' into any of them.) I can only assume that it's the latter. Either that or the producer of BBCThree is just on overdrive right now.

This media outlet is good in the sense of raising awareness about all these types of ways of living your sex life - making you feel that there is no "correct" way. This - I like. It's very refreshing.

That said. It's been an overload recently. (ESPECIALLY the up close and personal pictures of genital warts - there is a time and a place and neither of these is on my t.v. screen, thanks.) Also, maybe if they could make the programmes once a week rather than once a day...just a suggestion.

As liberating and refreshing it is, much more of this gender/sexual orientation, crazy sex life chat and I feel I may become dazed and confused with my many options. I will have no choice but to hold the BBC personally responsible for my arrest at some top-secret, rave-esque, sex orgy party in the undergrounds of London, wondering - in a state of utter bewilderment and euphoria - how the hell I got there.

[caption id="attachment_213" align="aligncenter" width="195" caption="A swimming cap and egg timer clearly does it for some people. Each to their own."][/caption]

For those of you who missed any of the shows recently here's the one's I can recall:
Playing it Straight
How Sex Works
Cherry Healey: Like a Virgin
Websex: Whats the Harm?
The Sex Researchers
The Sex Education Show
The Joy of Teen Sex
My Daughter: The Teenage Nudist
My Transexual Summer...etcetc
And they say Britain is the most sexualised Western country. Can't possibly see why...

Sugardaddy Dating

How DARE Cosmopolitan slip into my head and steal my ideas for a blog post!! I jest. But still. They did. Irritating.

I'm going to pretend that I didn't read this months Cosmo and the article about being paid for dates and sex and carry on...

Sugardaddy dating is becoming somewhat of a phenomena in the past few years. With the use of the internet, Sugardaddy events are becoming increasingly popular. Along with Sugardaddy dating sites.

There are several dating websites these days that cater to the "sugardaddy" dating scene. Just to make sure no one here assumes anything - when I wrote my first blog post about online dating I can ASSURE you that I was not referring to being a member of a sugardaddy dating site. I mean, I live in the wrong place, everyone on those sites lives in New York anyway...lol jkz bbz. (Well, not really the New York post stated that out of 800,000 members on one site that 100,000 lived in New York state).

Some of these sites include: sugardaddie.com, sugarsugar.com, sugardaddybabes.com, sugardaddydatingwebsite.com and, the most popular - seekingarrangement.com. Just to give you some sort of basic knowledge about how it works (if you haven't already guessed). A "Sugardaddy", is a well off man who can have any marital status who, for whatever reason, seeks a no strings attached relationship with a woman. He is usually the older guy figure. He seeks to find a, "Sugarbaby" who is an attractive younger woman, willing to go on dates with her "Sugardaddy" as well as fulfill a "NSA" sexual relationship. The guys usually pay for membership, whereas the women don't. Really - you need to go on some of these websites and read their descriptions, some of the wording they use is HILARIOUS.

The basis of this type of dating, as far as the women are concerned is, of course, money. If you have a look around a couple of the sites you will see that most either state how much the man earns, or how much he would be willing to give his "Sugarbaby" per week/month/visit. This figure can go into the thousands or can even simply say "will pay rent in full". Thus, having the guy you're shagging becoming your guarantor. How lovely. Bet that would raise a couple of eyebrows in ESPC.

If I'm honest, (which, on this, I always strive to be), I don't know how I feel about this sort of arrangement. I do know a few things; personally sleeping with someone for money is something I couldn't do. Regardless of whether or not they were my age or older. Also, despite the fact that I'm a student and the type of money that some of those guys are offering could put me in good stead for post-graduation after sleeping with them for just a couple months is oh so, very very tempting. I still wouldn't be able to do it.

Do I think that this type of arrangement is degrading to women? Do I think the total opposite? Again. If I'm honest - I don't know! For a start, whenever I see any type of question I automatically start weighing up the for and against arguments in my head. Four years at University doing Politics will do that to you. But also, I think, like most things, it totally depends on the people involved and each and every one of their individual situations.

Some of these women are, yes, probably nymphos. I am sure there will be a few of those flying about within that 800,000 count. Who aren't too bothered about who they are having sex with, so in that case, why not get the guy to buy you expensive gifts. I mean if you're going to do it regardless...

Then there are those who probably look at it with a business mind on. A means to an end. I mean, in America some universities there can cost $50,000 a year, on fees alone. After accommodation, books, trips and living expenses the costs could go up another 50% on top of that. Despite America being The Land of Dreams and all that, not everyone has that kinda money. So, if you were an American female student who needed a lot of money to get through University and had this option of making that money rather than graduating with possibly a quarter of a million dollars in debts - would YOU sleep with some guy who could pay for a substantial bulk of it for you? Those of you who said no, I think you might be lying.

In some ways, yes it is sad to think that women can make more money sleeping with these guys and going on dates with them then having any sort of part-time job. This in itself is degrading - that they have to use their bodies to make a decent wage.

However on the other hand you can think this. Even 50 years ago would this have been possible? Rich guys then would just have expected women to sleep with them. No payment involved. If the woman resisted, chances are they would have been worn down through some means. If sex had been forced upon them, the odds in those days of anything ever coming of it if they reported it - are very much against them. Yet now in this situation it would seem that women - who aren't wandering street corners - can demand payment. Liberating in a sense.

So do I judge these women? I'm not  sure if I do. They are obviously willing and heck, in some cases, making a luxurious living out of what most of us do for free.

I also wonder if guys would sign up if some sort of "Cougarmama" dating scheme was set up? (Let's be honest, it probably already exists.) There would probably be less controversy surrounding this reversal of roles as well.

I'm not saying that we should all consider making a living through payment for sexual favours. And I'm certainly not saying that I could do it. However I think that if executed well, some of these women may be onto something. A lot of women marry some old withered
penis
man for money and beautiful things. So why not do this but without the inconvenience of the fake marriage and inevitable divorce?

http://www.seekingarrangement.com/ - just for your reference...

Fun = Fucking

First off - Happy New Years everyone! Hope that you had a good one, for the first time I actually had a very good night which was nice.

Anyway. Task at hand - sex.

This blog starts again with a series of texts I received (this should serve as a warning to all guys, if you text or BBM me some piggish crap, expect to see it here). They were from a friend who I keep meaning to meet for drinks but one or other of us keeps cancelling. Also note worthy - we have never slept together, kissed or had any romantic involvement. So here's the text conversation that sparked rage:

Him: When I'm back in Glasgow you wanna get that drink finally? X
Me: Okay x
Him: Ye have some drinks n some fun :P I'll text you when I'm back x x
[Note the no reply]
Him: That's if your up for some fun x x
Me: By that do you just mean sex?
Him: Not definite no. Just kissing n other stuff n maybe lead to that if it works out like that. No pressure xx
[Note. No reply.]
Him: Is that alright? X
Me: Well I don't really know what you mean
Him: So you don't fancy any fun then x
Me: I do but why do guys think "fun" has to constitute as sex things
Him: Haha don't worry won't be any pressure to do stuff just a possibility x
[Again, no reply from me]
Him: Anyway I'll let you know when I'm back x x

Sorry - that was longer typed out than I thought it would be. Anyway. What the actual fuck.

First off, "just a possibility". Oh I'M sorry, have I given you some sort of impression from NEVER HAVING KISSED YOU BEFORE, that that's what I'm after from you?!

Secondly. "Haha don't worry". I'm not fucking worried mate. I'm not some all holy, virtuous Mother Teresa. I HAVE had sex before. The thought of sex doesn't worry me. The thought of however some guy who I've barely had any connection with, let alone a romantic one thinking that he can just shove the idea of sex on the table and that be okay - THAT scares me.

And lastly, "so you don't fancy any fun then?" Are you serious?! Fuck RIGHT off love. Yes. Believe it or not, like most people, I like to have fun. I like seeing my friends, I like going out, I like doing things that I enjoy. But oh yeah, you're right. Cos I don't wanna get naked in front of you I CLEARLY don't "fancy" any fun.

It's like I was saying in an earlier blog - to guys, women seem to either only be able to be whores or prudes with absolutely no in-between. This situation adds fuel to this fire. This guy is obviously trying to make out like I am no fun and therefore make me feel I have to prove myself to him. And what better way to do this than to have some lighthearted, no strings attached, sex with him?! How IDEAL !!

Just because a girl doesn't want to have sex with you after some flirty text messages or chat at a bar, doesn't make her boring. Revolutionary I realise. Calling her no fun, a prude or boring is really not going to help you either. You lost. Move on. Stop being a sore loser.

I really hope that he reads this and if you are - I will have you know that I am great fun. And you know what, nine times out of ten when I AM having fun - I am fully clothed...Dick'ed.

Bye Bye Movember

Hear that? You don't? That, is the sweet sound of electric razors across the land being plugged in and turned on as Movember draws to a close.

I know it’s for a fantastic cause and I am definitely not disputing that but MAN do I hate a moustache on a man. Sometimes they can look kinda cool, but really every time I see one I think three things:
1) Its essentially pubes on your face.
2) As soft as I have been assured that they are (often followed by having someone drag my hand through one) - I don't wanna kiss that and I don't want it kissing me. Anywhere.
3) It had its heyday. Moustaches should remain on very VERY hot men who can pull them off OR, preferably to the pages of history. Like this dude -

If I had a friend who could grow on like the one above, if I'm honest, I would be kinda impressed.

Asides from this. Movember raises money and awareness for a great cause. But it also gives guys the excuse to shave, EVEN LESS. Like most of them needed any more discouragement in that department.

I'm going out tonight so whilst having a shower earlier did the rituals that most girls undertake before a night out. I de-fluffed. After exiting the shower I felt about as hair free as a baby seal. But why? For a start, tonight I am going to a gay club with some of my fantastically camp friends who worship Ga-Ga and dance like Beyoncé. I am certainly not expecting anyone to be touching my legs, unless it’s to reach my shoes and exclaim how FABULOUS they are.

Most guys (excluding the new breed of Metrosexuals that have descended upon us), do not take this much care with their hair situation. A couple years ago I had to actually try to convince a good male friend of mine that I wasn't joking that most guys DID - much to his shock and discovery - 'take care' of themselves.

The amount of money and time and effort, not to mention, blood, sweat and tears that have gone into years of waxing and shaving is ridiculous. I started shaving around the age I went into Senior School, meaning for 10 years it has been a constant battle against the follicle.

But do guys care? For a start, from conversations I have had with friends of both genders, I can assure you that hair care for girls is way more expensive and time consuming than their male counterparts. Not surprising. But then from experience and further conversations it is shocking at how many guys think they can get away with not even the occasional trim. We notice. We don't hook up with you to get a tooth floss. Believe me. If a girlfriend of mine had been with a guy with an unsightly bush, I know about it. I know the tinyyy details about it.

Some of them even say they "can't be bothered" to shave their face. Not being funny, but most guys in their early 20s - unless they are the dark, handsome, rugged type - don't even have to shave daily. So STOP WHINING!

If I have to practically do advanced yoga every time I go to the waxing salon in front of some girl I've just met, you can fucking drag a razor over your face each morning.

The sad thing is, girls take care of themselves because - duh - they care. Which means they care what guys are also doing to combat the bush. Whereas most guys don't have too much preference on whether or not my bikini wax is a 'tidy up', ‘bikini’, 'G-string', 'Brazilian' or 'Hollywood', apparently that's not what their focus is on. Which seems to be reflected in their own personal hygiene.

Maybe girls put too much of an emphasis on this. Putting themselves under too much pressure in an age when porn is apparently dictating ALL of our sexual thoughts (that seems to be what the media would have us believe anyway). I dunno about you, but I don't really watch porn and if I did, I wouldn't base my bikini waxing habits on what some porn star had. Just like I wouldn't buy the outfits she'd be wearing...or not.

But anyway. Girls - guys don't care as much as you might think. So long as it’s not a total throwback to the 70s you are probably okay. And guys. While you are warming up that razor to get rid of your Movember moustache, it wouldn't hurt if your razor maybe had a bit of a wander.

Strippers, Barmaids and Waitresses - We Are All The Same. Apparently.

I became a barmaid just a few weeks after turning 18 and asides from my brief stint in America, have pretty much been one ever since. I have worked in mainly student nightclubs but also more civilised places but one factor has been constant in every place I've worked - the flirtation from men.

Most of the time this flirtation is harmless. A fleeting comment, a cheeky wink, even a couple of marriage proposals - all made in high spirits and with no harm done.

But then there are those guys who seem to think that it is okay to go one step further. I have had bum grabs, and being called every name under the sun - from guys who don't know me at all. I have even had guys get genuinely angry with me when I've tried to laugh off their passes with a chuckle of "hahaha...yeeee, I have a boyfriend, sorry". I feel that this is kind of part of the job though. That I should just get on with it, ignore it. But why?

After talking to a good friend of mine she said that she's starting to really hate her job as a waitress because she also gets the bumgrabs, but from drunken men about her dads age rather than from students fooling around. This seems to instantly make it worse. She went on to say that she also once had a group of guys in who were constantly leering at her and even called her a whore. When she went over one simply said, "I'd do you". This seems all like laddish fun, but do the guys doing it think of the effect its having on these waitresses and barmaids? They are getting this near enough every time they work and really, being called a "whore" by someone you have never met before, isn't funny.

It seems to come down to this idea that as we are doing the job that we are paid to do, it is in our job description to 'serve' these guys. But they don't always seem to be able to draw the line and realise that yes - this is just our job but that is all. Maybe we are partly to blame too, if I think someone is going to tip me I will flirt back. Does this give him the wrong idea? But surely, there is a mutual understanding as to why I am flirting with him.

Barmen also get flirted with of course, but I have never seen one of my male co-workers come out at 4am and have a girl waiting there for him to finish. Yet that has happened to me - more than once.

Technically, any of these guys could have a law suit against them if I decided to go down that route. But this would literally mean a few law suits every night, who has the time or the want for that? Which makes it even more difficult. There is a fine line between what's acceptable and what is not. If a guy is making you uncomfortable you have to say something to him, but again, don't want to be labelled a 'prude'. If you take the easy-going route of ignoring it, it's giving him the green flag to do it to the next girl as well.

When it comes to barmaids and waitresses, guys need to realise - we are there to make money, not to be grabbed. If your server is flirting with you, by all means flirt back. If you wouldn't do it to a girl on the street, don't do it to a girl working in a cafe. In the words of Maggie from BBC's Pan Am, "I am NOT included, in the price of your ticket."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Puabr7WNLY0