A Simple(wo)man's Guide to Dating

So I have been on a lot of dates in the past few months and some of them have certainly been better than others. Not just because of the chosen activity, but a lot of it has been down to the company and their chat...or lack there of.

SOME of these dates have been literally unbearable. One I literally just left. Terrible - I know but I'd never been in a situation before or since when I had wholeheartedly wanted the floor to suck me up.

At the time some of this was, yes, INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. But I can laugh about it now. I can even blog about it. I thought it would be fun - and beneficial to both sexes - for me to write down what I would consider to be the serious do's and don'ts of those first few dates that you initially go on in the "getting to know you" - stage.

Please feel free to let me know of any you would consider to be equally as crucial.

WGAJSMB's Basic Guide to Dating

Don't1. Get a text from your date saying she's going to be 15min late and reply saying, "don't worry, take your time" but THEN, be such a moody bastard that 5minutes later you send an angry text declaring that "you were taking your fucking time so I went home"...to Helensburgh, having just driven for 45mins to get to the date in the first place. THEN send a text saying, "it wasn't your fault, you are amazing, I was just in a bad mood". It will make your date assume you are bi-polar/slightly mental/you will be incredibly lucky if you hear from her again.

2. Take her to a bar that you know to be one of the busiest and loudest bars in the city centre only to speak so quietly that after 20minutes of strained conversation she's so sick of having to lip-read that she suggests going to the cinema.

3. Lie about your age. Okay I know that some people whilst on a night out may lie about their age. I know certainly that when I was 16/17 I said I was 18. If you are 35 and say you are 30 in a club, this is kind of acceptable if you have no plans on seeing that person again. However, don't continue this lie on into the 2nd date when your date asks a question that clearly reveals your age. She will then realise you are closer to her mums age than hers. Que swift exit.

4. Spend the whole night being a moody prick. You don't have to have a smile plastered across your face the whole time but don't spend the entire time criticising the food and the drinks and the restaurant. At least crack a smile or show some sort of sign that you have a soul when I point on the Des from Capital FM is sitting at the table next to us.

5. Chat up/check out other women on the date. This hasn't actually ever happened to me. But I have had a friend where the guy seemed to find it fully acceptable to chat up just about anyone who walked past. She ended up leaving.

6. Get too serious on date one. Your birthday is in a few weeks? You are visiting extended family up north for it? That's cool. Oh, now you're inviting me to come with you too? Your grans going to be there? Oh, you've told her about me?...I think I just saw a cab with its light on.

7. Disagree with EVERYTHING I say. I know that opposites attract and all that. And an intellectual debate on a date is good in my books, shows not only that you are intelligent but that you also have opinions. Fine. Getting to the point where you are even disputing my choice in cocktail. Not fine. Just annoying. There is a fine line between opinionated and just being a dickhead. And you just crossed it.

8. Wear the same clothes every single time. A while back I dated a guy a couple times, think we went out 3 or 4 times? Anyway. He apparently had a wardrobe that consisted entirely of Canterbury jogging bottoms and a Snoopy top. Not saying you need to come in your Sunday best to a date, the jogging bottoms were even fine the first time as it was a chilled out date. But four times in a row, no matter the activity? That's just a huge lack of effort.

9. Use the words, "babe, "hun", "misses" etc. These are terms of endearment that are fine to use once you are with someone, or even on occasion in the first couple dates. Using them as every third word however, will not suffice. For one, it makes you sound ever so simple. It also makes me wonder if you can actually remember my name. And I'm all for casual dating but also makes me think how many other "hun"'s you have kicking about.

10. Disappear. Again, this happened to a friend of mine. They went out for drinks and got on well. He was going out that night so invited her. She said she'd need to nip home to change her shoes and grab a different bag etc. He drove her home. She went in and changed. She came out. He had gone. Whata weirdo.

11. Sometimes it really is better if you say nothing at all. It's okay if you go on a date and there's not that "click" that everyone would like. Your date may be attractive, intelligent, funny but for whatever reason you aren't feeling it. Be pleasant, but don't say things you don't mean. If you are thinking that, lovely as your date is - you don't want to see them again. That's fine. What's not fine is to shower them in compliments and talk about what you are going to do in future dates etc. I believe it's called, false hope. And really its just mean and confusing.

And, finally, just for good measure.

12. Wrong name me. It's happened. This happened to me when I was with an ex when I was 17. The same day that he asked me out we went for drinks with people we worked with, he got slightly tipsy and called me Christina. When I said, that's not my name his response? "Well I don't know how to pronounce it". I should have seen what was coming really...

Do (a lot more simple and less of them):

1. Compliment your date. Compliments go a long way and let's be honest, further down the road they may benefit you too. If you get my jist...

2. Be original. If she says, "you pick the place", this does not constitute as a "let's go to Nando's". You have been warned.

3. Listen AND talk. I have been on dates that have been on both sides of this extreme. One guy who seemed to think that everything he said was pure gold. I left knowing about every tiny detail of his life, whereas he probably couldn't even tell you where I was studying. On the other hand I've had others who ask so many questions but then give you the shortest answers when you ask them something.

4. Avoid the topic of ex's. Do this at least for the first date, to be honest, try to hold of for as long as possible is probably your best bet. Operate a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

5. If you are interested, show you are interested! But then, in relation to what i said before - don't freak her out with it. We don't expect an engagement ring on date one.

Some of these may seem very basic indeed but I think you would be very surprised.

All it really comes down to is two people trying to be as close is humanly possible to being civil, polite, honest, interesting and fun for a couple hours of their lives. A lot harder than it may seem apparently.