Breaking Up Is Never Easy

We have all done it. Well...most of us. And I think it would be safe to say that for most of us, breaking up with someone is not an enjoyable experience. Whether that be because one or both parties get upset; things get violent or for any other reasons. Breaking up is not something that we would want to do everyday.

I am of course, talking about a break up in a romantic sense. But what happens when you want to break up with someone outside of this context? If anything its much more gruesome, messy and downright difficult.

Breaking up with a friend is sometimes not even possible.

We all have that friend that  isn't always quite what we would want from a friend. When we realise that we are being taken for granted, or messed about by a friend it can often be more upsetting than if it were your boy/girlfriend. Friendships are meant to be mutually beneficial. No mind games. No cheating. No fuck-ups.

But sometimes this doesn't work out. We sometimes put up with more shit from our friends then we ever would from a romantic partner. I found myself once turning round to one of my best friends and saying, "if *** were my boyfriend, I would have broken up with them ages ago". So why do we do it? Can you even, ever REALLY break up with one of your best friends?

Okay so everyone argues. You argue with your parents, siblings, lovers, flings, friends, the guy at Starbucks who got your order wrong. You don't instantly write these people off because you have had a fight. That would be ridiculous. But there becomes a point where, not only is enough, enough...but its also fucking tiresome. It is usually at this point that we start questioning any sort of romantic relationship that we may be in. When it's gone one fight too far.

When it comes to friends however its different. You can't turn around and just say, "I'm so fucking tired of arguing with you, we are no longer friends"...well, maybe you could. But I myself have never done it, nor have I known anyone else to take this route. Usually when you break-up with a partner you utter the words, "we can still be friends". You are demoted to friend status. When someone is already your friend, then what?

I think that everyone has friends that they have just drifted away from. For a huge variety of reasons this can happen, sometimes it can be a bit of a bummer, but it just happens. This isn't what I'm talking about though. It's when you consciously decide, "I don't get back what I put into this. They are taking me for granted, why am I putting up with being treated this way by someone who should be my friend?" that things become difficult.

I know that at least for me when I have debated whether to "break-up" with a friend in the past that I have known that I don't necessarily want to hate them. I'm not looking for an enemy. But I also don't have time anymore to be a friend whose there for them all the time and isn't ever getting anything back from it. Like any relationship, this one-sided deal is never going to work.

There is of course the ever-favourable and popular tactic known as either, the "phase-out" or, more brutally - the "cutting out". Let me explain. Both relatively self-explanatory. Tactic (1); you gradually start to ignore texts and calls and invites to places, hoping that you can induce a doctored "drifting apart". Making it seem like you are both naturally just growing apart. Tactic (2); stop all communication full stop. This can be easier to do in certain situations. If you live relatively far away from one another for example. Sometimes though if you are at the same school or workplace, this can be almost impossible. Unless you also combine it with the good ol' fashioned "silent treatment" that is. But then that's always gonna be awkward.

I think that realistically when it comes to stopping a friendship this is never going to work if one of you is still adamant on being friends. One party may in fact be totally oblivious to the fact that the other is planning a snipe attack and kill on their friendship. Which again - makes things difficult.

In the end, I have never "broken up" with a friend. It's too difficult. Unless you two have a genuine falling about over something and you decide that it's not worthwhile having a reconciliation - breaking up with a friend can be next to impossible. And to be honest, I usually end up forgiving them after a while. Things tend to fix themselves naturally, or come out in a big built-up rant and things change. We usually end up going back to exactly how we were. Water under the bridge as it were.

It's a shame really that we don't approach romantic relationships in the same way. It could make things so much easier.

Boys - What You Are Doing Wrong

This blog is going to be a bit different from ones in the past, asides from it being all bullet points they are the opinions of many girls that I have posed the question of "what annoys you about boys" to. These are a combination of things that really piss me and the girls I asked off, about the opposite sex.

Boys - take note. And if I get enough suggestions about what annoy you about girls, it is only fair that I include that in a blog in the future.

Should probably mention that when I asked a lot of girls this question the immediate response by 100% of them was along the lines of; "everything", "what doesn't annoy me about boys", "I hate boys", "they exist". Etcetcetc. On that note...here you are;

• First off - I'm not even sure if the male species ever really afford the right to be called "men". In my eyes they are, and shall always be, "boys".
• Guys who complain about the pain that they went through that one time that they got their chest/legs waxed but how it was "worth it" cos it was for charity. We get it done every 6 weeks. Seriously - grow a pair.
• Transparent boys. "I don't just want you for sex." Then why is it that EVERY time you get in touch its a call or text past 2am. I don't call my female friends at this time unless I've lost them on a dance floor. I suggest that you too, follow this rule.
• Guys who can't dress to save their life. It's not that difficult to look half-decent as a guy so throw on something that's better than just a pair of Canterburys and a clean(ish) hoodie. Current fashion advice  for the under 30s - a pair of chino-esque trousers, a t-shirt from Topman, Toms and a cardigan. Get it done.
• Thinking that period pain is "probably not as painful as being kicked in the nuts". Ye. Maybe. If you were continuously being kicked in the nuts day and night for 3-7 days a month. Once this has happened - we can talk.
• Guys who always have to appear better than you even if they clearly aren't. Total power struggle. Get over it. It has long been established that women are just as smart (smarter) than men. Plus, anything you can do I can do better ;)
• Seeking approval through compliments.
• Covering their Facebook with invites to their friends to go to the gym for a "big sesh", y'all have phones right? Use them. Then later on making sure they mention how much they benched or posting a picture. (You know who you are and you largely live in North Berwick...)

• Trying to show off with abilities or possessions that they clearly don't have. Oooh you have a Vauxhall Corsa with stripes painted on it...that will definitely make it go faster.
• Making up crappy excuses as to why you didn't text or call back. Believe it or not, most girls would just appreciate the truth that you just aren't that into us. Or if you are into us and it was genuinely you losing your phone for the 5th time, might I suggest a fanny pack?
• Starting fights when you are drunk. I don't even know if you know what the fight is about half the time. Either drink less so that you are drunk but not angry-drunk or do what girls do - glare at someone you don't like and bitch behind their backs...no blood that way at least.

• If it's okay for you to go to strip clubs and get a lap dance off a random girl then you will be okay with me becoming a lap dancer. Oh you arent'? How does that work then...
• Thinking that you know about guns cos you play COD. You don't. Unless you are in the armed forces or hunt a lot then you don't know about these things. You may know the names - yes. But if I were to present you with one of them would you even know how to begin to assemble and shoot it?
• Guys pretending that they are richer than they are. You bought a bottle in a club. Congratulations, you just bankrupted yourself. Oh how do I know this - cos you are now posing with the bottle and putting the picture on Facebook.
• Guys who meet you on a night out and chat to you for ages. Filling you with promising of dates and romancing that is destined to never take place as it turns out that after giving you their number and you texting a few days later, that they never intended to text you back.
• Which brings me onto another one a friend suggested - "I would rather that they said nothing, than promising me the world only to get next to nothing."
• If you are explicitly asked "do you have a girlfriend" - don't lie.
• Over-reacting at the slight mention of one of your ex's even if it's when a girls mentioning their ex in a bad light. Don't take it so seriously. Chill.
• Grabbing my bum will not make me like you. I don't grab your crotch.
• A guy can have female friends and we are called a "psycho bitch" for asking about it. Yet as soon as we mention that male friend we have, shit just got real.
• Telling people who you had sex with. We get it, you used your penis. Congrats. Do you want a medal? Plus you know what they say - the rule of 3. Divide the number of girls a guy says he's slept with by 3 and that's the real number (if American Pie said it, it must be true.)

And one girl said;

• "They breathe...that's pretty annoying."

So there you have it! If you want me to add any then you know where to find me. And boys, I think that the answer to your question is probably, no. You can't ever get it right.

I Have Sex.

SEX. I have it. There - I said it.

This is sort of a continuation on from last weeks post as it got me thinking about how there appears to be a stigma attached to women being able to talk openly about sex outside of the comfortable bossum and confines of their social peers. Hear a girl say that she enjoys sex and the room goes quiet, all eyes on her as she sit there feeling like she may as well have just turned round and said that she likes to slaughter animals in her spare time. Why is it STILL such a subject of taboo.

Now I know that I have mentioned this family before and it's not very like this blog to talk about a particular individual for too long but in this instance I feel that not only that I must but that it is totally necessary. Khloe Kardashian. Yeah, I know, big Kardashian love as always. "But what have they done?" What HAVEN'T this family done...don't start you will only get a rant. Anyway. I digress, Khloe Kardashian is a young woman who is not afraid to talk about sex. Especially considering the amount of time that she spends in the public eye. She has every word she says, dress she wears, career move she makes, photo that's snapped, scrutinised to the enth degree.

I find it very refreshing and empowering that she openly discusses sex not only on the tv shows that she is in, but also on chat shows she goes on or radio shows she hosts. She married hubby Lamar Odom over 2 years ago now and, being a Kardashian and all, they have a spin-off show "Khloe and Lamar". On this show she has often made direct reference to her sex life, and in the most recent episode that I watched she actually goes out and buys a bunch of sex toys, outfits etc to make a sexy boudoir in her own home. Before this she often makes sex-orientated jokes in "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" and "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami". And good on her I say. It isn't often that you hear a female, let alone a celebrity so openly talking about their sex lives, ups, downs, keeping things fresh with a new husband etcetc. I wish that this more the rule rather than the exception.

It made me think how people often respond if a regular girl (my wonderful friends and I mainly) if they overhear our conversations about sex and dating. It's still not entirely socially acceptable for us to talk like this, well...without people looking at us with a look in their eye that suggests *slut??*. Without really noticing I find myself lowering my voice if I'm talking about it in public, changing the subject if I'm near a sales assistant or if a waitress comes over to the table. Similarly, if I'm at a social occasion and guys are talking about sex and you decide to join in with their sex-banter this tends to go one of two ways. (1) They look at you or even make a comment to the effect of "why the hell are you joining in with this conversation." or (2) take it a bit TOO well and assume that because you have just made a comment about having sex that you must want to have sex with them right then and there.

Firstly - boys, if you are talking about sex and you are straight guess what...the other person in your little story was female, and was therefore having sex at the same time you were. So for a girl to make a comment about how she's had sex, this shouldn't shock you. Grow up. Secondly - why can't we joke about sex just like you can? Or mention that we like it. I think that it was established a loooong time ago that women can actually enjoy sex too and aren't just there are a sex vessel and/or baby oven. Have you not heard of Cosmopolitan, Sex in the City or Ann Summers?

It still seems to be the case that in the eyes of society that only the most promiscuous girls amongst us should be "allowed" to talk about sex in a public or social setting. That girls who enjoy having sex but don't want to have sex with everything that walks and has a penis should keep our feelings to ourselves. I really hope that this begins to change and that girls start to take a leaf out of Khloe's book and talk openly about sex cos guess what. I have sex, and I like it.

Women's Role Reversal 21st Century Style

There are two seemingly very different things I want to talk about this week. One being Valentine’s Day related/inspired and the other being music related…all will become clear. I hope.

It was a leap year this year which traditionally means that women can get involved with proposing wedding to their partner.

Over the Valentine’s weekend, having watched Channel 4′s “The Wedding Proposals” and something by a very similar title on BBC Three too, for some reason after both I found myself thinking about the role reversal of a woman proposing to her man. I don’t know WHY I was so shocked to see a woman in both shows proposing to her boyfriend. I kind of felt annoyed at myself upon, after further consideration, I decided I didn’t like the idea of a woman proposing.

I’m very much all for women being equal to their male counterparts but for some reason this proposal business just didn’t sit right with me. Traditionally I guess women are meant to kinda…sit around looking pretty, cooking and baking well, showing she is a mean hand at mopping and wonderful at child rearing until her partner bids her to be of high-enough quality to be deemed “marriage material” at which point a proposal will occur. Possibly a little bit more romance, and “wooing” is involved than that but you know what I mean.

Good little wifey

It comes down to the idea of the woman having to wait around until she is asked, (reminding me of being “seen but not heard”), this idea I don’t like. And on that basis part of me does think ye, sure, why not, ask your boyfriend to marry you if you feel you must cos you have been waiting too long.

I think it’s just the little girl in me who knows that when it comes to it, that I know that I don’t want to be the one doing the asking. I want to be in awe at the [hopefully] very imaginative and romantic way my future boyfriend/fiance/husband decides to propose to me. Showing how much they care and love me, in a very fairytale-esque way. That part of me wants to hold onto the tradition of the guy proposing to the girl.

Plus the practical side of me always thinks…well what would she give him? Guys don’t get engagement rings. So would she just get down on one knee, ask the question and that be that? Anyone know?…

That’s not to say that I would say that a woman proposing is ‘wrong’. I just don’t think that it’s what I would want for me.

Second thing I want to talk about on the basis of role reversals is how popular culture seems to be gradually leveling the playing field somewhat in regards to sex.

Rap music above most, has been renowned for using lyrics that are derogatory towards women. Who can forget Jay-Zs lyrics, ”I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one”. Male rappers are forever tagging women as their “bitches”, “hoes” and the like. Often talking about how much sex they have had with all of these loose women. Chris Brown‘s current song “International Love” featuring Pitbull talks about all the women that they have basically shagged in every country and city that they have ever visited. Apparently the more you talk about sex, the less you are having…but I digress.

But I reckon that these tables are starting to turn. Despite there being plenty of songs written by male rappers with many many derogatory terms towards women in them, the same cannot largely be said about the lyrics in female lyricist’s songs.  Being female, they are fighting back in a more direct and yet still, subtle way. Stooshe’s new song “Love Me” (that I am self-acknowledgingly obsessed with), has the lyrics in it that say,
“Listen mate, I don’t mean to brag, I’m telling you imma be the best you’ve had so lets roll. Don’t be taking your time, get it up, pack it in, blow my mind.”
These three girls aren’t flipping the tables by calling men a string of abusive names, but instead are saying, “yes I do have sex, I have sex like men have sex and I’m going to sing about it, what’s your point?”

Stooshe

Missy Elliot, Lauren Hill, Nicki Minaj and Kreayshawn, to name just a few are all lyricists who are not only showing that girl’s can do it too, but that they can do it just as well. Some of them are also using words like “whore”, “bitch” etc but because they are using them are arguably reclaiming the words. Who knows, this could in time mean they lose their current meanings.

Kreayshawn

There is now no such thing in Western societies as a “traditional” woman’s role. Since the equal opportunities act for employment came into place, and the pill came in and the skirt hems went up, things have never been the same.

Women continue to change society. I hope that the female artists such as the ones mentioned and others continue to write such thought provoking lyrics. And I also hope that women in all spheres of life continue to challenge what is seen as, what to do and what not to do, simply because she is female.

Stooshe’s song “Love Me” – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rcxnwv7yaQk

Valentine's Day Woes

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!…or not.

I just don’t get Valentine’s Day, I have never been a fan. I’m not just saying this because I am single. I’ve had the whole red roses and ‘romantic’ set menu meal at an overly priced restaurant, surrounded by other couples also holding flowers, chocolates, teddys, and jewellery. Barf. Spew. Please. No need.

I seriously don’t get it, it truly is a holiday that’s not even a holiday. It was created by gift companies who wanted to sell cheesy cards and crappy chocolates in heart-shaped boxes. It’s further proven to be a non-holiday as we don’t even get the day off. Worst. Holiday. Ever.

I think that it is sweet in a way that there is a day dedicated to showing the one that you love that you…well…love them. But why do we have this assigned day? You should be telling and showing the one that you love, that you love them on a near-enough daily basis. Not having Hallmark telling you that February 14th should be the day that you declare your love.

I have seen so many men walking around today clutching bouquets of flowers, frantically looking around the supermarkets for some chocolate-based dessert and choosing the least cheesy card that they can amongst the pink and red flashing tack. As cute as it is seeing them looking so defenceless and flushed I cant help but think, why are you here? Why are you not buying your girlfriend something she actually wants? Why instead are you on a temporary “seasonal” aisle, picking up the same gift pack that the guy before you did.

Skip over this kinda shit and get her something she would actually choose.

Valentine’s is all good and well but I will never understand it. The set menus that fill your favourite restaurant with couples the week surrounding Valentines Day are just a pain in the arse. As is the fact that you often can’t order anything of the non-Valentines menu. What if I don’t want a heart-shaped chocolate fondue for two for dessert?

My thoughts on Valentine’s Day come down to three things:
1) I think that people in general, regardless of whether or not they are in a couple, should be spreading the love and showing the people around them how much they love them, as often as possible.

2)I also think that if you are in a couple then sure, celebrate Valentines Day but must you do it in the most clichéd way possible?

Get her something to be excited about.

3) If there is a made up holiday for those in relationships, surely its only fair that they make one for those of us who aren’t. I’m single and I want it celebrated please and thank you.

And dear god, the people who propose on Valentine’s Day?? Not cool. Well done, you just managed to make a question that should be the most personal and intimate moment in your life, fall on a day that is not only clichéd to hell and back but is also a day shared with so many other couples around you.

This said, next year I think I am going to go to town on Valentine’s Day. Buying everyone that I love one of these to show them how much I care, whilst also mocking the day all at the same time. Perfect.

7pence a piece...

The Age of the Cougar?

For generations...nae CENTURIES it has been the social norm in a couple that the male half is older, or at least the same age as the female.  It was normal for example in ancient Rome for girls usually aged about 9-15 to marry a man aged 30-40 years old. But alas! Times are a-changin'.

I don't know why it is frowned upon for a women to be the older one in the relationship. I was accused at school at the age of 17 of being a "cradle snatcher" when dating someone just one year below me who was 16. I faced more grief again when my boyfriend after that was also younger than me...by 3 months. Most people probably couldn't tell you why they think its wrong. If you ask they tend to hesitate and just kinda say, "...well...I dunno...just weird isn't it?"

I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I also think that it's a bit strange and stammer a half thought-out response. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (aged 33 and 49 respectively) had a bit of controversy when they initially got together but after a short while this issue seemed to fade. However I have to say that when I first heard, I also thought it was odd. And like I said before - I couldn't tell you why. Maybe it was because I was possibly thinking he was hot, and closer to my age than hers. But I think that largely it was because if we were honest, we are brought up in a society where it's not normal.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore

Recently a few of my friends (no names) have had flings/relationships/one night stands with guys 2,3 or 4 years younger than them and had a lot of stick for it. If they had had this relationship with someone the same sex as themselves and had had the same amount of stick for it, it would be homophobic and socially wrong to mock them. Yet, being an older female seems to be reason enough to be mocked.

It's always an awkward one really, the topic of age differences in relationships. Regardless of which way round the gap is. Who can forget that 16-year-old girl who married that 51-year-old. (Turns out their names are Doug Hutchison and Courtney Alexis Stodden, to be honest, I don't think anyone cared, they were just fascinated by that age gap.) And of course Anna Nicole Smith and her 63 years her senior, billionaire husband.

"Normal" for the man to be older?

But as I said before....times are changing. In the celebrity world recently we have had Kutcher/Moore as already discussed but also many other celebrity couples where the age gap has been controversially, the 'wrong' way round. My favourite celebrity Kim Kardashian was with Kris Humphries, 4 years her junior. Nowhere Boy lead actor Aaron Johnson who is currently 21 got married at the ripe age of 19 to his girlfriend Sam Taylor-Wood who was 42 at the time, they now have 2 daughters together. And of course those of you from Britain probably got wind of One Direction's Harry Styles' romance with Caroline Flack. For those of you who haven't heard of this, it caused a storm not only because he was 15 years younger than her but also because he was only 17. This was seen as bizarre as, in many people's eyes, he isn't even legally considered an adult yet.

Flack and Styles

Taylor-Wood and Johnson

As I said, I think that in the Western world, whether we would like to admit it or not, we are brought up to think that a woman being older in a relationship is 'wrong'. But I think that with everything that is changing in society, and with celebrities leading the way through example, that this view is only bound to change. And I think this change is already underway. Born is the day of the cougar.